The Art of Small Talk in Uncomfortable Places

The Engineer's new role as Project Manager at a wind farm development company has taken him away from his usual work day hidden alone in a cubicle making spreadsheets and getting power stations to talk to one another (urrmmm, I think that is what he used to do).

He now he has to talk to people.

And not just his co-workers.

He has to talk to landowners and small business owners and government officials and band chiefs of First Nations communities.

The problem with this?  The Engineer is no Chatty Cathy.

Our own conversations consist of me talking and talking and talking.  Telling him of the days events or my feelings about kale or my musings on the recent activity of Coronation Street or my thoughts regarding WW2 (currently I am reading a book about WW2. As soon as I start a new book, I'll have new things to talk at him about).

I feel this is normal.

After all, I grew up in a house where my dad was quiet and my mum talked at him.  In fact my dad is so quiet that when he does get in a chatty mood, I let him talk about tractors or cows or the stock market as much as he wants because I am so excited he is talking. 

I wasn't super surprised when one day the Engineer said he wanted to improve his small-talk skills at work.  His co-worker is amazing at talking to anyone and the Engineer feels he should be the same.  Due to my incredible small talk skills, he wanted to know my secrets.

And I do have incredible small talk skills.

Here is an example:

Sitting in the back of a cab on the way home after wine night at 'book club'

Sarah (to taxi driver):  It's such a nice night. I think spring is on the way

Taxi Driver:  Yes

Sarah:  I love spring.  It means summer is around the corner!

Taxi Driver:  Yes

Sarah:  Sooooo, ummmmm, where are you from?

Taxi Driver:  Somalia.

Sarah:  Oh Somalia.  Lovely country I hear - especially at this time of the year

Taxi Driver:  Not really.

AM I AMAZING OR WHAT???

Who says Somalia is a nice place especially this time of year?  Is it ever nice in a war-torn, poverty stricken, drought-ridden country in Africa?  Noooooooooooo.  That is why we have refugees from there who now drive idiot women who have had too much wine.

Christian Science Monitor

Foreign Policy

Global Security News

Yes.  Beautiful country that Somalia.  I can't imagine why he left.

This is not the only time I have said such incredibly witty things.  I say them sober too.

I am incredibly clever in uncomfortable situations:

While getting my annual bikini wax

Sarah:  That's nice. Where are you from?

Waxer: Iraq

Sarah:  Oh, that's nice.  I would love to go to Iraq. I hear it's gorgeous.

Waxer:  Not really

NY Books

Crazy Man

To be fair, I actually did not start this conversation.  I think that when someone is ripping hair from your  private parts, there should be no conversation at all.

I don't like talking or making eye contact. I certainly don't like it when they ask me to look and make sure it's 'even' and to my satisfaction.  I feel if I don't acknowledge my vagina during a wax, then it does not exist to the waxer as well.  I hate it even more when they ask if I want it done 'behind' too.  UGH!  Just do it and let's pretend that this part of my body is not hairy/exist.

But back to my idiotic Iraq comment.  Firstly, my waxer was telling me how much she loved Canada and was excited to be studying here.  Which naturally made me want to know where she was from.  And because I think you should always say something nice (I remember once telling a girl in England I was from Canada and she said 'I would rather go to America than Canada' and it made me mad) about where someone is from, I said what I said.

What was I supposed to say about Iraq?  Sorry about that evil dictator and the war?

Maybe.

She actually didn't think my statement was odd because Iraq is the setting of a war, more that she said Iraq is an ugly desert. Her words, not mine.

So as much as I would like to give the Engineer some pointers, I may not always be the best example of small talk.

I have some ideas and rules that have been taught to me.  But do I always implement them?  No.

But in the case you want to learn, this is what I told the Engineer:

Be interested, not interesting

People love to talk about themselves so ask them questions.  But pay attention!  Because when someone says they are from Somalia or Iraq - don't answer back a benign response.  That means you aren't really listening.

Then again why would you take my advice? I'm the one who manages to talk about the Iraq war while having my hair pulled out by the roots in a position that can only be described as splayed frog legs.

- Mrs. Law

** I also must admit that Mr. Taxi Driver divulged that he had 8 sons who were naughty and one daughter who was the apple of his eye.  She is going into Grade 5 and loves to read.  Maybe my introductions are bad but I sure do get the story.

**** Also, since this lesson, the Engineer tried it. But his feigned interest and friendliness only confused the landowners. He has since gone back to not talking.